She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
