you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
