I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
