I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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