I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
