So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
