FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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