i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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