She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
