I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
