Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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