he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
