gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
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