He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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