After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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