ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Just cropdusted the office
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
