Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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