I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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