Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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