I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The air was thick with penises
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
