I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
