Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
