There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
