dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Randomize
