Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
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