Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
40s are totally the cure
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
