My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
