he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she smelled like a LAN party
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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