Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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