I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
