Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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