she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
