just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
