so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
