I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
