I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
