Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
