I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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