i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
