Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
