i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
