i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
