Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
