Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
