Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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