You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
