we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
