After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
