i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
