I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
